“Parenting” has been a common term to all of us for ages. In today’s urban Bangladesh, the concept and practice of parenting has become more competitive, visible and most importantly more exhausting than the previous generation. Modern day parenting is constantly asking for an almost impossible perfections and milestones to achieve, from curated lunchboxes to constant emotional availability all at once. So far, behind this evolving culture, lies an uncomfortable truth of ideal parenting, and the burden continues to fall disproportionately and excessively on the mothers only.
Double shift of the working mothers The burden of such “ideal parenting” feels a second full time job for the working mothers. This job comes with not only no leave and a lot of criticisms but also with zero recognition. After completing a full-time job outside for whole day in the office, the second job is already waiting for the mothers in the house with home works, meal preparation, remembering the vaccine dates, attending school meetings regularly, while resolving the emotional needs of the children at the same time. All of these are happening under the sharp supervision of the society, always ready to judge and evaluate each and every move of the mothers.
The mothers are constantly under the society’s microscope interrogations for their every decision. If the child is not doing good in the school, she is labelled as a “bad mother” or “failed mother” or “selfish mother”, who is more concerned about her own career. But then again, if she leaves her career for the sake of her children, she is blamed for wasting her entire education. It’s always the mothers who are living in constant guilts and regrets, where the fathers are excused from all of this.
Why do fathers escape from social verdicts? Fathers are not socially conditioned to carry the same accountability for parenting as the mothers. Fathers are always seen as the passive participants in the parenting duty, where parenting should be seen as a team work between the parents. In urban Bangladesh, modern age fathers may help with some stuffs like, doctors’ visits, school meetings or bed-time routine more than the previous generation, but these are seen as an act of generosity, not as their basic responsibilities. When the fathers take care of the children the task falls under the label of “baby sitting”, while a mother does all of the parenting work under the label of core obligation, that should be done only by the mothers. They are treated as the only flag bearers of parenting, carrying all the farm duties on their shoulder and facing disparagements all alone, where the fathers are free from all kinds of social scrutiny.
The rise of “perfect parenting” Social media has intensified the parenting pressure more in this modern age. The constant urge for public validation and to earn the title of a “good parent”, has made parenting more rigid as They have to raise highly productive and successful children, keep a clean spotless home, maintain balanced diet in the house while managing their careers in the office. At the end of the day, what is the result? Constant guilt? Maybe. All of this cost the peace and mental health of the mothers, who struggle to balance everything and proving themselves every day. They keep questioning their worth both as a mother who wants to be there for her children whenever they need her and a working woman who is juggling the office work pressure simultaneously.
Society praises the mothers for “doing it all” but never questions why do they have to do it all and most importantly why they have to do it alone. The society never questions about the absence of the fathers because of the structural inequality. The women also choose to suffer because of the generational practice, which becomes normal to them as they have been taught, this is the rule to follow and you cannot break or question it.
The issues were never “parenting” itself here. The problem lies in how the responsibilities are distributed among mothers and fathers, it is about who takes the blame despite doing the whole lot and who receives the appreciation for doing the bare minimum only. But with the changing phase of present urban Bangladesh, parenting styles are also changing its patterns and forms. People have started to talk about mental health, equal distribution of family responsibilities and being actively present as a parent. But then again modern parenting will become another arena for women to carry all the loads if gender expectations does not evolve alongside the changes, while men will be applauded and celebrated for their minimum contribution.
The future of healthier parenting does not depend on mothers becoming more efficient. It depends on how the perception of society, workplaces and families are accepting the division of labour. The combined response and acceptance from family and society can change the whole parenting scenario for women and give them a little respite. The society must have to see parenting as an equally shared responsibility for both parents rather than an obligation only for the mothers. Until then, the mothers have to keep living under immense pressure of nearly impossible social expectations and despite doing their best, their efforts will be questioned for any failure, and they will be held responsible whenever anything falls short.
Author is Jafrin Mahmud PhD candidate, Doctoral School of Sociology, Eötvös Loránd University Email: Jafrinmahmud5@gmail.com, Mobile: 01912926555
